the what if

Sunday, February 18, 2007

So I worked nights at the hospital the last few days.
I hate working nights.
There are a couple nice things about it (it's quieter than days, less chaotic, there's time to do homework-usually, I can learn a lot more because people aren't so busy, I feel more like a real nurse because I get to have more patients *I'm up to three by myself)
But I really dislike sleeping all day and working all night, probably because I have such a hard time sleeping, but mostly because it throws my system all out of whack and I spend a few days recovering.
On Friday morning after my shift was over it was time for midterm evaluations.
All I wanted to do was sleep, but I had to sit there and list my strengths and weaknesses.
Not something you want to do at 7am on a good day let alone after working a few night shifts in a row.
Anyway, my preceptor (the nurse I work with on the floor) was very encouraging in her evaluation. She was honest and really aspired to have me grow as a nurse.
My tutor (School of Nursing prof who ultimately passes me) decided to give me all satisfactory in every area except one, leadership.
I don't know why this bugs me so much, or why I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, it's really not that big of a deal. She probably just had to pick one thing for me to work on after midterm and that was the one she selected. Who knows?
But I continue to doubt.
I've always thought of myself as a good leader...positive, encouraging, attempting to role model, admitting mistakes...etc. It's tough when the things you believe in are questioned.
Last week I had someone tell me I'm too passionate about global issues (ie. Aids in Africa). The same thing happened to me, I thought about it all week, wondering if I need to change.
It's tough to be criticized on the very things we think our positive in our life: passion, leadership, a desire to see change. And as a result I fall into a cycle of self-doubt.

I guess at the end of the day I'm left with a few choices...
I have to stop internalizing every little thing that people say about my character and be strong in what I know to be true.
I can let the people who love me and know me best help me to change because they truly are able to identify the areas that need work.
I can know in my heart what needs improving continue to try to be more like Jesus everyday as I pursue change.
Easier said than done at times.

I guess it's the doubt that always gets me. The second guessing. The what if.
What if they are right? What if I'm missing the point? What if I'll never measure up?

I'm constantly plagued with the what if.

posted by Rachel Pede @ 2:16 PM   1 comments