Upstairs and downstairs

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

People are constantly changing. Some people are changing for the better and others are changing for the worse. Some change might be stuck in process or yet to be labelled. Change can be something scary (especially if you’re a Baptist) or it can be refreshing, and sometimes change can just rock the boat.
As most of you know (especially those of you who helped) Erin and I recently moved into a new house, in a new area of Hamilton. Well, I guess it’s no longer recent, but during the summer, it was only Erin and I living here. Since the beginning of September it has been a whole new ball game. There are three others that we’re living with on a daily basis, two of which we lived with at the other house on Pearl street.
Now these are wonderful, lovely, caring girls, don’t get me wrong…but we just don’t seem to mesh. Erin and I mostly keep to ourselves, trying to fit each other into our busy schedules, while the others are inseparable. This is so drastically different from years previous where friendship seems so natural. Living on Pearl Street we dubbed ourselves the Pearl Girls and had a grand ole time. But this has recently become a thing of the past and it’s sad that this once natural friendship is now forced and awkward.
It’s weird how all of a sudden, a slight, gradual change in individuals becomes extremely evident.
My close friend Chris told me that she loves change because if she didn’t see evidence of it, how could she possible evaluate growth. She told me that she was recently thinking about how much we’ve all changed since first year, some more than others. She told me all the ways she thinks I’ve changed, and I had to agree. I know I’m continuing to grow and figure out who the heck I am and want to be in this world. It’s just a weird realization to face that change in people changes friendships. I guess with personal change comes interpersonal change? Meaning, as personal priorities and values are changing, this directly affects how you’re able to relate to others on a deeper level.
It’s just an awful feeling to feel constantly lonely in the place you’re living. To feel like a stranger to those you’re surrounded by on a daily basis. I don’t feel I have a home. How can you feel homeless when you’re writing this in a living room? I feel great once I leave and connect with friends and people who care, but this house is a gloomy place for me, despite Erin and my lovely room.
I’m learning the importance of friendship and the value of investing into other’s lives. I’m learning to let go, to realize that it’s okay to change and to not have to force relationships.
I’m learning what it feels like to be lonely.
I’m learning to grow despite all the negativity and continue to build relationships outside these walls, with anticipation of a future home.

posted by Rachel Pede @ 5:04 PM   8 comments