Yes, I have an attitude problem

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Today at the FRWY we had a discussion about blogs. I'm not going to tell you what we talked about because it was super fun and you should join us next time, if you want to hear the details!
Anyway, in the midst of the conversation we started to talk about the difference between like and love. Can you love someone you just don't like? Can you like someone that you don't love? Is it possible? What does that look like? We didn't really go into much detail because the night was practically over but this is something I've been trying to figure out lately.
You see, I've been having a really hard time at clinical. Nursing school is amazing and although it's tough, clinical is what has been getting me through. I love caring for people and my one shift a week at the hospital somehow makes all the papers I write seem worthwhile. Clinical is why I'm in nursing!
But, this is the first semester that I don't want to go. At all. And it's not just even because I'm NOT a morning person and I have to wake up so early to get there. I would rather spoon out my eyeballs or give my self a papercut (hey, don't laugh-those hurt!) than go to clinical. I'm feeling extra nervous about it at this very minute because in two hours I have to go to bed and then when I wake up, it's a clinical day. The very thought makes me want to start crying because I know that's what will happen when I get home, so might as well get it over with.
Why, you might ask, is this happening? Well, it's a long story, and I'm reluctant to share details, but to make this long story short, I'm just not getting along with someone. This someone happens to be the someone who decides whether I pass or fail the course, so needless to say, it's a big deal. This brings me back to my original comment. How do I love this someone? Can I love this someone if I really don't like them? Do I have to learn to like this someone in order to love them? Or is tolerating okay? Or do I only 'love' them because I want that grade?
I know Jesus wants me to love people more than myself, but what does that look like? How does that get put into practice when you just can't get along?
I worked really hard this week to get a lot of extra work done for the class and to show this person that I deeply care about nursing. I prayed for her, I prayed for my bad attitude, I prayed for clinical. But I'm still stuck on how to love. I think it's because I don't want to. And that's selfish. So I'm trying to figure out how Jesus loved people. I need his help. It's interesting how all my life I've learned about loving my neighbour but really, when it came down to it, only loved the people that loved me back. For me, this is tough stuff. So if you have a spare minute on Thursdays feel free to think about me and pray for me at clinical. Learning to truly love is a challenge.

posted by Rachel Pede @ 10:25 PM   6 comments