Skydiving and learning to trust...

Monday, January 16, 2006

One of the things that I want to do before I die is go skydiving. I love to cliff jump and so I can only imagine how exhilarating it will be to be to soar through the air high above the Earth and just bask in God’s creation when I make the jump (pardon the pun) to skydiving...I can’t wait!
As excited as I am to finally fulfill a life goal and skydive, I know it’s a scary thing to do. Sometimes it's not the initial jump that ends up scaring me the most. It's actually the thought process leading up to and just before the actual jump that gets my heart racing. I can only imagine myself standing there in the doorway of the plane with my equipment on and someone yelling, “1, 2, 3…GO.� My worst fear is that I will get up there and be too afraid to just throw caution to the wind and jump.
Right now, my biggest challenge is my fear of the unknown. Uncertainty. I’m such a planner-schedule maker-big nerd-organizer, whatever you want to call it, and I usually have all my ducks in a row. Recently, my ducks have been getting lost or shot or maybe they’ve gone to swim in other ponds. In a matter of weeks, I went from having things relatively all together to not knowing where I’m going to be living this summer. I found myself constantly thinking, okay worrying, about the future. After thinking late into the night I came up with one conclusion. It’s not the uncertainty that is the actual problem, but my inability to trust. I have to get a job, I have to find a place to live, I have to figure out my clinical placement, I, I, I…me, me, me. Maybe the reason that I’m so afraid of the process is because I’m afraid to let go. I have to be in control.
For one of the first times in my life I don’t have things all figured out and it’s okay. I’m learning to let it be okay. While times like this are overwhelming, I’m just going to make sure I continue to just simply trust God. God is teaching me a huge lesson and I’m struggling and fighting back at times, but I know he just wants to teach me how to jump without fear.

posted by Rachel Pede @ 4:38 PM   1 comments