It's going to be fine...

Friday, November 24, 2006

My mom emailed me some news.
My uncle has recently been diagnosed with cancer.
By recently I mean this week.
He went into the hospital for an emergency MRI yesterday to see if surgery is an option.
I'm not sure my family members realize the potential seriousness of this situation.
Everyone keeps saying that the cancer is in the early stages so "it's going to be fine."
I'm so thankful it is the early stages, but the specific cancer he has is typically not diagnosed until it progresses significantly. I'm sketchy on the details.

As a future nurse I have so many questions, but I'm scared to ask them...
What if I get an answer I'm not expecting or don't want to deal with?
What then?

It's so easy to go to the hospital every day to care for people that you don't know. Reassuring them, comforting them, even showing love. It's easy to distance yourself when at the end of the day you go home from the problem, leaving the cancer or heart disease far behind.
It's completely different when the sickness, whatever it may be is affecting those you love.

I don't know how to deal with cancer when it's affecting my life personally. There's only so many times you can reassure yourself. It's scary. I wonder why there is such a fear attached to the word cancer...
I guess I'm understanding more of how my patients and their families must feel. Maybe that's a good thing.

I guess I'm still idealistic.
I haven't seen alot of death.
I still believe that the people I see will get better.
It's tough to realize that sometimes comfort is just as important as a cure.
It's difficult to face the reality of death.

I guess that's why they teach us in nursing school not to say "everything's going to be fine." Because sometimes it's not fine.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, pessimistic or cynical. I guess I'm just trying to face the reality that things somtimes aren't fine. I'm learning to deal with the fear, learning to find the words to say, learning to accept.

I'm heading into clinical this weekend. Shortly. (Nights)
Tonight I want to care.
To make a difference.
To do whatever I can to ease pain.

I want things to be fine. Even for a moment.

A day of thanks

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Today was yet another 12 hour shift. November has been packed full of them, but I'm learning so much, it's tough to complain.

I know it's not a Canadian thanksgiving, (shout out to the Kevin Chen-inator for the upcoming American thanksgiving)but today was a reminder to be thankful.

Today I cared for a little toddler who has so much medical history it would be much too lengthy to list it...but the thing that hit me hardest was the fact that she will never speak. She will never be able to scream, laugh, cheer, shout, giggle, whisper...

Yes, she could show me a smile, or a tear stained face, I could understand her emotions, we could communicate...but she will never speak. Ever.

Today I was thankful for the gift of my voice. How often are we thankful to speak? To voice our concerns, to share a secret, to muffle a laugh...so much we take for granted. I know I do. My beautiful little patient today taught me how important it is to thank God for little things, like simply speaking a simple little phrase: "Thank you"

déjà vu

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

It's another Wednesday night and guess who has another essay due tomorrow.

Guess who is just starting the paper after they finish writing this blog...

You'd think I would learn, wouldn't you?

Guess old habits die hard.

VICTORY

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I got my first IV insertion yesterday at clinical.

Today I feel like a real nurse.

Clinical again tonight...hope the streak continues.

p.r.o.c.r.a.s.t.i.n.a.t.i.o.n.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I have a paper due tomorrow. It's 10pm. I have 1 page.

I think I've turned into Kevin...

And now I am even procrastinating by telling you all about it.

I even tried to rent Season 4 of Scrubs and 'reward' my essay writing devotion with one episode of Scrubs per page. To restate, it is now 10pm and I have 1 page, I've watched 9 episodes of Scrubs.

But I can't take this out on Scrubs...JD needs me. I think I'll watch 1 more episode before attacking page 2.

I'm hopeless. :)